I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Even my vagina gasped.
I want her autograph on my taint
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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