Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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