What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
