Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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