it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
