I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
