My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
