Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
