Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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