Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
