I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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