i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
