when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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