you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
