Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
