Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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