I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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