I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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