Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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