1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
