I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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