okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
