why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize