yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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