I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize