I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
