Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
