Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
