Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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