Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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