We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
