It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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