and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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