I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
