Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
