i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
