I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
