When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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