I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
