Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize