I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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