I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
