those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
