addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
