I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
