drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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