Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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