I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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