I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
