No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just google imaged poop.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
