I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
