Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
