just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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