so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
