i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
