you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
