I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I don't deserve a penis
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
